Sunday October 5, 12:20am
Officers apprehended a young man using the President’s Lawn as his personal restroom. When asked what he was doing, the man paused for a moment to consider before saying, “I had to pee.” At least he was honest.

Thursday October 9, 12:36am
Officers received a report of three students on the roof of Richardson House. Officers determined that they were “just hanging out.” However, this instance is indicative of a thrilling new trend. On October 17th, TUPD found nine students on the roof of Metcalf. Investigation revealed that they were “just hanging out.” On the night of the 19th, eight students were found on the roof of the chemistry lab. After intensive questioning, officers surmised that they were “just hanging out.” Officers’ motivation in apprehending these rebellious roof-climbers? “We just don’t want them to fall off.”

Friday October 17
Multiple students began receiving calls from someone claiming to be an officer of TUPD. This mysterious caller told students that they had outstanding warrants in Medford or Somerville and that they must pay up immediately. The calls had TUPD caller ID, but it is unclear where these calls were actually coming from or exactly how many calls were made. Maybe the scammer would have had more luck if they said they were a Nigerian prince who just needed $1000…