During finals time, the only thing that should be backed up is your work. So where to go while in the library? The basement bathrooms are literally and figuratively the lowest of the low. They are perennially in disarray—you know from experience not even to waste your time going down there with your waste. The reading room bathrooms are no place for reading material, as the only time you can brave those echo-y halls is if you’re certain no gas will be passed. The media center, once reliable, has now become a wild card, subject to the same toilet paperless-ness and unflushability as an IBS clinic.

We get the connection between studying, coffee-consumption, and pooping, but the Tisch toilets really stink. It shouldn’t be this hard to find a place to take a dump that isn’t a dump.

Despite its size and prominence on campus, Tisch has but eight urinals and six stalls dedicated to the needs of the male population, 14 stalls for women, plus the two unisex single bathrooms in the reading room. I am no math major—fuck, I’m barely passing Math for Social Choice—but I can tell you that the ratio of students drinking coffee to available bathroom facilities does not add up.

Upper Level/Lower Level

The upper level bathrooms might be the least offensive in all of Tisch, the lower level the worst. Humans are lazy. We like going down stairs more than walking up them, and we are unable to comprehend the inevitability of our trek back up. The necessity of walking upstairs with a full bladder seems to keep most bathroom patrons away from the restrooms adjacent to the media center on the upper level of Tisch. Thank god for that, because when people actually do anything more than simply wash their hands, these bathrooms take a drastic turn for the worse. I have often peed in the urinals without problem. Just as often, however, pushing the lever results in an endless flush: a phantom waste of water that can only be resolved by having an awkward conversation with the students manning the media centers check-out desk. The downstairs bathrooms, while identical in design and layout, are more or less a third world equivalent. With toilets filled with feces, turds the size of small children, paper towels brimming over the the trashcans, and stressed-out students milling about for an open stall, the downstairs bathrooms are a case study for the imminent dangers of overpopulation.

A simple poll showed that I wasn’t alone in these opinions.

“I’d rather pee in a port-a-potty at Spring Fling than in the bathrooms on the first floor of Tisch. At least at Spring Fling I’m drunk!” R. Ya Peein* said.

I rest my case.

Reading Room

What, what, WHAT are you doing? Step away from the reading room bathrooms NOW. Those one-seaters are only a number one choice if you’re certain all you’re doing is number one, otherwise you gotta go… elsewhere. The kids in here will give you a nasty look if you swallow your Adderall too loudly, so what makes you think that your turd will slip out unheard? I know, stairs are hard to climb, and it’s a crying shame Tufts didn’t consider your brown in their blueprints. But have some self-respect! CLENCH, goddammit, stall until you find another stall. You wouldn’t pick up a phone call in the reading room, so why should it be any different when it’s nature on the other end?

Level G

If you’ve ever searched out Jumbo’s tail, maybe you know one of the few staircases that take you to the hidden Very Intimate Pooping (VIP) section of the library: Level G. The cans down here, previously reserved for the rumps of employees, are now open for general seating. As this pooping G-spot can be aptly described as “so fresh and so clean,” we’re hoping that the bean-burrito-eaters amongst us won’t catch wind of this place too quickly. Slip away from your studies while the gettin’ is still good!

The Sordid Summary

This time of year, there are few spots where students spend more time than the library, where trying to find a suitable table may be a challenge, but trying to find a suitable bathroom leaves you up shit creek. Pray that you’ll get a paddle by visiting the unexplored latrines, hopefully changing your Tisch experience from super shitty to a “Level G-whiz!”

*Name changed to protect the small-bladdered.