i’m sorry i tried to stop you
when you swallowed another girl in the bathroom.
cut her up with a butcher’s knife until her skin stuck to your nails.
the blood wouldn’t wash out, and all the moonlight fell from the windows,
even the dark couldn’t protect you from what you ruined.
my star-crossed savior complex,
you in the doorway,
forgetting yourself, forgetting you cannot
hold me down forever.
tell me you love me
just to kick me like a dog
why’re you crying?
stop being so selfish, not everything is about you.
this isn’t about you.
you think yourself strong
some kind of heavenly body on earth,
but i haven’t even grown yet, my bones ache with promise.
for now, you can still fit me into the palms
of your hands.
wrap your limbs around me
like i am the one with teeth.
how dare you make me feel like it was my fault
you were the black hole;
invisible destroyer, all-consuming. hurt me so good
i thought it was euphoria.
every scream i ever summoned died in my throat
when your hands snuck down my shoulders,
settled on wrists.
broke open the ribs
inside of me just to make another
place for yourself.
you’ve always been an egoist.
this wretched body was never
mine to begin with in the first place
i’m just a ghost walking around in my own skin,
a bad dream & a bad liar.
you’re so drunk on your power,
too caught up in your own head to notice
the way it’s choking me—
you’re choking me
your love burning
all the way down like craters.
you weave bombs around my veins
set them off like stars
just to blame me for it,
leave me out of my mind.
i’m throwing myself into the fires so i don’t even notice you leave, find the space you left in your wake. crawl into the smoke, the two of us neither asleep or awake, walking through
the same burning nightmare.
you promised you wouldn’t—
you said you loved me
you said i’d always be yours
did you find someone better?
i was handcrafted just for you
made for your cold hands.
all i ever wanted was to be the
only body you
drowned in the lake.
i’m sorry. i’m sorry.
i can say it over & over again
like a prayer that will save us both.
i can be better, i know i can be better.
just don’t stop looking at me,
you’re the most familiar stranger i know.
i miss the emptiness i felt around you, broken mirrors between us, our tethered hands, sins hanging from our feet.
even if you were lying the whole time,
i don’t mind.
tear me apart again.
bring me home.
i’ll apologize for the blood on the carpet
& the dishes in the sink,
i’ll say i’m sorry for calling you,
sorry for asking for so much of you
and for running when you chased me
and for crying when you grabbed me
and for shutting my eyes when you yelled
and for leaving the lights on too late
and for forgetting all the things you never told me
and for being so sad i tried to escape my brain
and for telling you you’re hurting me
and for being here, breathing, when you’re the one
who dug me out of the dirt.
i’ve rehearsed every apology a thousand times,
i think i need a reason to exist. something to
tear myself apart for.
i think i’m dying,
i think you did it.
i think i love you.
i know i love you.